Hi, it's me again. Ugh... dont say it don't say it don't say it don't say it .... back at it again with another blog post! UGH! I HaveN'T posTED iN A WhILE. I can't help but laugh whenever I say such phrases. I am going to stop putting such a premium on posting and [...]
Do you have a happy place? A memory that you constantly hold dear? One that stops you from going to the deepest darkest places in your mind? Kenya. I dream of you. I stop to drink everything in. The sights, the sounds, the long stretch of road between Eastleigh and Jomo Kenyatta International Airport as [...]
It has taken me a while to get the words together, words that I've never thought of uttering, of even contemplating. I always found a home in you, a type of recognition that only love could find. We've been through a lot together, the pitfalls that life had created for us, experiences that should've bonded [...]
It is Sunday, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and last week J-Cole released his fifth studio album on 4/20. Fitting and ironic as the title is "K.O.D" is "Kids on Drugs" or "King Overdose" or "Kill our Demons". All three titles being homages to the ways in which drugs are the biggest [...]
It has been interesting, all the twists and turns, The miscarriage of all the words involved. Speaking and yet not saying anything of substance, So why am I feeling so lost? Affected by the debris of your broken promises, Of narratives we tell ourselves to keep from changing orders already put in place. Expectations dropped [...]
All my poetry is starting to sound like it is for you. Beautifully written prose all strung together, encapsulating how I feel. But how do you feel? It's been clear that the mountains you wish to move are not for me, The songs you sing, not meant for my ears. But how do you feel, [...]
What you don't say becomes you. It feels like it's vocalized in the thickness of your silence. The universe is working overtime to correct and rectify the death of your decisions. The less you say, the more you become a permanent fixture of your anti-self. The baritone of your regrets are bellowing out like a [...]
The after effect shocked me to my very core. All this bliss but I still felt torn, All I could think of is the state of you & I, Do you even love her? Or is it just I? You try to have your cake and eat it too, I used to marvel at the [...]
Fear. It manifests itself into the aversions you have, the people clowns you are afraid of and of course- through the dark and immense wonders of the world that we are taught as children: the concepts of life and death. As a child, I possessed three fears: 1. swallowing my gum and it becoming etched and stuck in my stomach for 7 years (what kind of myth/fear was this? sounds like it was perpetuated by elementary and middle schoolers and parents to convince you that chewing gum was not beneficial for your teeth) , 2. falling and scraping my knees (did this from my bike once and had to get multiple stitches and have to deal with a lifelong scar that is a constant reminder of the hill I should not have rode down) and 3. disappointing people. It was as if these fears were heightened as an adult, perhaps not the first two but more so- the last. The fear of disappointment becoming an anchor on my heart every time I contemplated making major decisions that could potentially alter the course of my life- especially when you feel like the decision you are making is in your own best interest but is met with a lack of enthusiasm from the rest of the people in your life. But how do we move past this? Karen Thompson Walker has an incredible TEDTalk about Fear, about how fear and storytelling are intertwined and contain the same components that live within our minds. She speaks about the fables that surround fear and how its misconception has flouted our minds into believing its debilitating nature. But what if it isn't? What if fear can be used as a mechanism to imagine the unimaginable, to move the mountains that stand in our way, to conquer the plights that we deem difficult and to finally- dream the type of dreams that can turn into stories. Walker uses this ideology in her TedTalk by equating fear into storytelling and using it to further our understanding. Read More...
It's happened again! This time, the reason for my mia-ness have been a combination of a matter of domain wars with WordPress + Godaddy.com + writing for NaNoMo and trying not to rip my hair from my scalp. I feel as though all my creativity has been sucked dry by trying to remain consistent in my [...]
How easy is it to be consistent? In the hobbies you have, the books you *attempt* to read after someone recommends yet another "coming of age" novel to you, in the relationships you have or the dreams you try and pursue? Are you consistent? I can begin by saying, no I am not. Not as [...]
Hello guys! I am back but the real question is... am I better? It has been quite some time since I have written anything music-related on this blog. The last post would have to be my indepth review on J-Cole and his album "4 Your Eyez Only" and on the song "Neighbours" in particular. Well [...]
Dear Halima, it's me again. I spoke to you once, ten years past. We spoke of love and life's influence, We spoke of dreams and disingenuous friends. We spoke of what you needed to do next, A type of confidence rooted in experience. We spoke of your heart and how gentle it is, We [...]
I had a dream where I was submerged in water, unable to move. My body scarily still- as if it has forgotten how to fight or swim. Paralyzed. My mind racing and head swirling with thoughts of mortality and all I could see is you. All I could feel was you. Perhaps it was the [...]
I know how painful it must be to yearn and yearn and yearn... but never have it reciprocated. How your smile must fade when you see him holding her, a tight grasp that will never loosen. Do your dreams fade a little, every time he speaks of her? Do you feel like what once was [...]
Rejection. As the great Oprah Winfrey once said: "I don't want anyone who doesn't want me". I have been dealing with this reality a lot lately. I was told- perhaps even warned about how it would begin to consume my life. You go through 4 years of undergraduate to complete a degree and in that time, you [...]
After a very long blog hiatus, I am back! The real question is- am I better? I've been so caught up with the stresses of school, final exams, assignments... but I'm DONE! I am happy to say that I am finally finished my undergraduate degree in Health Studies and English. It has been a long and [...]
A mile a minute, A minute a mile, My heart is racing, I can hear it banging, In the crevices of my ear drums now The hollows of my throat closing in, tightening deeper and deeper as I am gasping for air; The anxiety in my chest is an intruder as I am thinking [...]
I do not believe in cliches, in love stories or narratives that end in happy endings- at least for us... I do not. All I know, all I know for sure is the depth of your smile and the warmth that emanates when you look at me and how I feel. But when you look at me, [...]
I always get into bouts of creative energy- kind of being on a elongated sugar high (see: day after Halloween/Christmas/Valentines Day when you stock up on 50% off chocolate and candy) which tends to last for a few days until I get stuck. Just like that sugar high, I come crashing down and so do all of my ideas. I can't even seem to write about my day- the crippling fear of judgement comes back in huge ways- in a similar way as the sugar high... except I never come down. This was kind of numbed in 2016- I learned how to push past the nervousness and just press 'post' whether or not the material is considered to be 'good'- if it's bad, if it's complete trash, the feeling of posting allows you to finally be finished with a piece. It allows you to share your work with the world and move on to different material. It's one month and 14 days into 2017 and I've forgotten what that feels like. My creativity is still stuck in 2016- unable to make the leap to this brave new world.
Instead of studying for my exams, I am sitting here listening to J Cole's latest album '4 Your Eyez Only'. The fire that is emanating from my speakers is quite distracting (oh god Halima that was so corny, this is why you don't write any reviews!). This by far is NOT a traditional music review- [...]
Our eyes meet, begging to have a conversation; The twinkle in yours draws me in closer and closer. The intoxication I feel is better than a mediated high, One that takes me into mindless euphoria, One that shapes the way I feel for you. The point of the matter is discussed through a slight [...]
"Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of the love is lost." -Khalil Gibran Like passing ships in the night, we keep missing each other. Your presence felt heavily like a gust of wind or a perculation of goosebumps. We miss out on the little instances of [...]
The life and times of Hello Halima have been a little bit shaky recently. I am just a mere mortal, an undergraduate student trying to finish up her last year of university. While some things have become like second nature to me like- editing papers, doing readings, talking to professors and TAs about assignments [...]
Here we are in the last ten minutes of October and I am feeling content. The 31st has been quite a "full-circle moment" type of day. I found myself going through the day just completely and wholeheartedly content with where I am in life. It made me reflect on last autumn, where I was a [...]
Too often we are stuck behind the formalities of hiding behind our pride. We become products of our own self-sabotage as we find ways to hide our real emotions and find the easy route to a lessened ideal of pain. We become afraid of opening up to our loved ones because the truth becomes tangible, we do not apologize when it is the easiest option because fighting takes less energy than letting go of your pride to right a wrong. The options to salvage a friendship become harder to fathom so we end up just cutting ties altogether. In our idea of saving ourselves, we often end up hurting the relations we once held so dear. That being said, some relationships deserve quick snips, severances so real and deep that looking twice is almost disgraceful. You are not fair to yourself when you choose to engage in ideals of toxicity. Toxic friends, toxic behaviours. A barrier and a block to your self-growth, a piece of the self-sabotage tree blossoming into branches of negativity, roots that overtake your life. In this pursuit of tangibility, our grasp of our everyday reality is re-shaped and damaged. We rarely stop to fix and examine the misgivings that we are accustomed too. We lose pieces of ourselves in what we choose to shatter and discard. What happens to those pieces when we try to start anew? Our relationships tainted by holding onto what once hurt us, things that prevent us from fully evolving. We hide behind our emotions- we do not text the people we like back in fear that we are being "too much". We do not tell our friends and loved ones how much they mean to us in fear of being "too sappy", "too cliche", "too emotional". These terms become catalysts in preventing us from furthering and connecting to our ever changing emotions. It is as if the arenas of our emotions become overfilled, the doors close as the last call for sentiment is made. We become disenchanted with the way we form relationships- hindered by rituals that become devoid of meaning. "Oh he took two hours to text back, I will take four...", "She is snapchatting me but never hitting me up to hang out, I am going to ghost her..." "She's my friend but sometimes I don't understand her so I do not like talking to her..." Our words become empty as we try to fight fire with fire, disconnect ourselves from people we do not even try to understand. We become stuck like glue to paper in certain relationships, the stickiness of it all becomes hard to remove. The relationships that occur in these social spaces become so strained and so hard to engage in- all hope becomes lost. We always think of the what ifs when it comes to engaging with people. We become numb to ways of connecting that when it becomes too late, the only blame we can place is with ourselves. Just like Kanye said, "If you admire somebody, you should go ahead and tell em/people never get the flowers while they can still smell em"
The air was crisp and thick with last nights rain, The sun kissed the tall autumn skyline as birds sang their soliloquies And I was standing there unchanged. The illustrious clouds painted a vivid cascade, so heartbreakingly beautiful that it was difficult to leave. It was difficult to comprehend The boundless constraint of nature. The [...]
It has been forever since my last post! I have definitely missed writing, a luxury that is hard to indulge in when you are busy with the trials and tribulations of school. Summer 2016... I started off thinking that this would be an awful summer- the idea of summer school discouraged me, it made me [...]
I have found myself in a state of in between, a limbo-like state that makes me constantly feel like I'm dangling from the edge of a cliff, one hand simply separating me from plummeting to my untimely death. I am between two selves, two feelings, two possible outcomes of my life's journey. I am between liking [...]
“When someone's been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But it's like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and then you're just [...]
I was talking to someone from school recently and she asked me "Halima, why don't you post more frequently? I don't get it, you have all this time and yet your blog remains dormant and all you do is watch netflix everyday, are you lazy..." While this is partially true, what I did not like was the polarizing attitude she had and the lack of understanding she possessed about writers block. Some say that writers block is a myth, just an imaginary and psychological barrier in your mind that you create when you want to avoid fear of being judged or justify not writing. To these people I say, to hell with you!