Word Vomit/ What’s Next?

HelloHalima

Source: Melissa Grant

Free falling into an unknown abyss/ reliving dreams shaping up into nightmares,

sleepless nights and empty thoughts/ feeling kind of lost, distractions only last a while.

Cycles of repetitive charades, will I ever be content?

Premature happiness brought on by moments of complete bliss, will it ever be enough?

Incomplete contemplation and contemplated hesitation, what’s next?

Can you dream when your hopes lay awake?

A syrupy sweetness invades, filtering out bitter truths- realities that are meant to be lived instead.

What’s worse than your mind on fire, unable to extinguish what ails you?

Wandering and constantly contemplating artificial relations- meaningless connections of superficiality

Wanting more and seeing zilch- opportunities always gone amiss, anxiety eats me up but I persist, what happens now?

12:34pm on a Thursday, manifestations, dreams and friendship

HelloHalima, Life, Poetry

Hi, it’s me again.

Ugh… dont say it

don’t say it

don’t say it

don’t say it

….

back at it again with another blog post!

mocking-spongebob

I HaveN’T posTED iN A WhILE HEADASS! 

UGH!

I HaveN’T posTED iN A WhILE. I can’t help but laugh whenever I say such phrases.

I am going to stop putting such a premium on posting and see if that alleviates any sort of pressure or blame within the self. A lot has happened since my last “updates” post, I turned 23, in the process of *shuddering* applying my masters programs, employed but looking for a new job that is sandwiched between my two loves of health studies and English (employers, here’s looking at you!) and overall just trying to live “my best life”.

Recently, I’ve been living in such a writing drought that late night twitter had me up writing twitter poetry. 😭 it’s interesting how you yearn for all your hopes and dreams to come true but your self sabotaging monster (can you tell I started watching Big Mouth On Netflix?) will awaken within you and you end up blocking your own blessings.

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I don’t think I have a hormone monster, I have a self sabatoge monster. Can that be a thing?

You become ignorant to what you once dreamed of, the goals you wanted to establish, the realities you wanted to create. When I first started this blog, the goal was twofold, one part was to just post poetry, articles and have an outlet for my creative expressions. The other goal was to eventually write a book of sorts, an anthology inspired by love, loss and everything in between. By halting- self sabotaging my blog dreams, I indefinitely put the book dreams on the shelf. I don’t know what it is! Is it depression? Anxiety? Fear of disappointing myself? Whenever I do it, I kick myself… imaging being your own worst enemy. This is not energy I’d wish upon my worst enemy.

An Anthology by Halima Farah

I spent the better half of 2018, slowly grinding- trying to get over things… trying to live a life free of lived trauma, trying to just read, work and apply for these masters programs, trying to get over major friendships that have broken my heart, trying to get back to my dreams. There’s trying and then there’s being reminded that there’s an end goal. That’s just the part I was missing and did not know how to find. In the process of getting back to my dreams, I received a remarkable birthday present from my friends Niya, Heaven, Nikita and Rochelle. A published anthology of all my poetry, articles and everything in between! A tangible example of my dreams coming to life. Inside, every single poem I ever cried writing, articles that I’ve mulled over, ideas that I have pondered since the inception of this blog. To say I cried was an understatement. It was a wonderful reminder of your friends not giving up on you- not letting you give up on yourself- to continue to fight for your creative ideas and freedoms, to continue to imagine, cultivate and create.

It has definitely helped to jet-start my love for writing, my ideas and has left me so inspired. This post is dedicated to them- my angels and to all my friends who constantly leave me with inspiration, motivation and endless support and love. THANK YOU. This is why supporting your friends is so important- you could be the catalyst in healing their creative spirits and souls. Sometimes we get by with a little help from our friends. Thank you.

Manifestations for 2019 and for this post:

  • I will write more/post more content on hellohalima
  • I will work towards publishing my own anthology by the end of next year
  • I will continue to look for inspiration in my friends and my lived experiences.
  • I will spend time saying no, putting myself first and working toward my goals…

Till next time, XO.

what are you afraid of?

HelloHalima

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Fear. It manifests itself into the aversions you have, the ghosts that you are afraid of and of course- through the dark and immense wonders of the world that we are taught as children: the concepts of life and death. As a child, I possessed three fears: 1. swallowing my gum and it becoming etched and stuck in my stomach for 7 years (what kind of myth/fear was this? sounds like it was perpetuated by elementary and middle schoolers and parents to convince you that chewing gum was not beneficial for your teeth) , 2. falling and scraping my knees (did this from my bike once and had to get multiple stitches and have to deal with a lifelong scar that is a constant reminder of the hill I should not have rode down) and 3. disappointing people. It was as if these fears were heightened as an adult, perhaps not the first two but more so- the last. The fear of disappointment becoming an anchor on my heart every time I contemplated making major decisions that could potentially alter the course of my life- especially when you feel like the decision you are making is in your own best interest but is met with a lack of enthusiasm from the rest of the people in your life. But how do we move past this?

Karen Thompson Walker has an incredible TEDTalk about Fear, about how fear and storytelling are intertwined and contain the same components that live within our minds. She speaks about the fables that surround fear and how its misconception has flouted our minds into believing its debilitating nature. But what if it isn’t? What if fear can be used as a mechanism to imagine the unimaginable, to move the mountains that stand in our way, to conquer the plights that we deem difficult and to finally- dream the type of dreams that can turn into stories. Walker uses this ideology in her TedTalk by equating fear into storytelling and using it to further our understanding.

“What if instead of calling them fears, we called them stories? Because that’s really what fear is, if you think about it. It’s a kind of unintentional storytelling that we all born knowing how to do. And fears and storytelling have the same components. They  have the same architecture. Like all stories fears have characters. In our fears, the characters are us….”  -Karen Thompson Walker

So if storytelling and fears have the same genetic makeup, why is it hard for us to see this as something positive and move past it by a means of conquering what ails us? Why is it hard for us to move past our fears? Especially when the elements of storytelling allow you to rewrite what the problems in the plot are and reimagine what present outcome you are apart of? Maybe Karen Thompson Walker was onto something. If the elements of fear are components of storytelling- How can we indeed move past this? What are YOU afraid of?

Picture it, your fear I mean, envision it in your mind. Is it preventing you from seeking the realities that you dream of? Is your fear tangible? Something existent in this world and as a result- grabs a hold of your every thought and breath? Envision it so you are able to say it out loud. One of own my biggest fears involves not being good enough at what I seek out to accomplish in this world. This coupled with my anxiety, my fear allows me to participate in self-sabotaging behaviour where I squander my opportunities in fear of ruining them with anything short of perfection. So much so that whenever I see any sort of success, the saboteur in me wants to come out in full force.

By saying this out loud- in the form of this blog, to my loved ones, I am able to rewrite the rules to my fear and as a result, I am able to work on conquering this fear. Once you are able to do so, you will find yourself weight-less, like the weights that were on your shoulders have been relieved and the fears that kept you up at night are on the road to no longer being apart of your life. The manifestations of fear gone, the narrative you are apart of, rewritten. I found that when I hold my fears in, keep them to myself- the progression of ridding myself of this pain and turmoil that comes alongside these fears grows and worsens over time.

By speaking your truths out loud and in technicolour, you will be able to take charge of what you are afraid of and in turn break the manifestations of fear.