12:34pm on a Thursday, manifestations, dreams and friendship

Hi, it's me again. Ugh... dont say it don't say it don't say it don't say it .... back at it again with another blog post! UGH! I HaveN'T posTED iN A WhILE. I can't help but laugh whenever I say such phrases. I am going to stop putting such a premium on posting and [...]

losing

It has taken me a while to get the words together, words that I've never thought of uttering, of even contemplating. I always found a home in you, a type of recognition that only love could find. We've been through a lot together, the pitfalls that life had created for us, experiences that should've bonded [...]

Silence

It has been interesting, all the twists and turns, The miscarriage of all the words involved. Speaking and yet not saying anything of substance, So why am I feeling so lost? Affected by the debris of your broken promises, Of narratives we tell ourselves to keep from changing orders already put in place. Expectations dropped [...]

Poetic Rebirth

All my poetry is starting to sound like it is for you. Beautifully written prose all strung together, encapsulating how I feel. But how do you feel? It's been clear that the mountains you wish to move are not for me, The songs you sing, not meant for my ears. But how do you feel, [...]

what are you afraid of?

Fear. It manifests itself into the aversions you have, the people clowns you are afraid of and of course- through the dark and immense wonders of the world that we are taught as children: the concepts of life and death. As a child, I possessed three fears: 1. swallowing my gum and it becoming etched and stuck in my stomach for 7 years (what kind of myth/fear was this? sounds like it was perpetuated by elementary and middle schoolers and parents to convince you that chewing gum was not beneficial for your teeth) , 2. falling and scraping my knees (did this from my bike once and had to get multiple stitches and have to deal with a lifelong scar that is a constant reminder of the hill I should not have rode down) and 3. disappointing people. It was as if these fears were heightened as an adult, perhaps not the first two but more so- the last. The fear of disappointment becoming an anchor on my heart every time I contemplated making major decisions that could potentially alter the course of my life- especially when you feel like the decision you are making is in your own best interest but is met with a lack of enthusiasm from the rest of the people in your life. But how do we move past this? Karen Thompson Walker has an incredible TEDTalk about Fear, about how fear and storytelling are intertwined and contain the same components that live within our minds. She speaks about the fables that surround fear and how its misconception has flouted our minds into believing its debilitating nature. But what if it isn't? What if fear can be used as a mechanism to imagine the unimaginable, to move the mountains that stand in our way, to conquer the plights that we deem difficult and to finally- dream the type of dreams that can turn into stories. Walker uses this ideology in her TedTalk by equating fear into storytelling and using it to further our understanding. Read More...

Letter to Halima pt 1

  Dear Halima, it's me again. I spoke to you once, ten years past. We spoke of love and life's influence, We spoke of dreams and disingenuous friends. We spoke of what you needed to do next, A type of confidence rooted in experience. We spoke of your heart and how gentle it is, We [...]

OCTOBER 31st

Here we are in the last ten minutes of October and I am feeling content. The 31st has been quite a "full-circle moment" type of day. I found myself going through the day just completely and wholeheartedly content with where I am in life. It made me reflect on last autumn, where I was a [...]

Tangibility

Too often we are stuck behind the formalities of hiding behind our pride. We become products of our own self-sabotage as we find ways to hide our real emotions and find the easy route to a lessened ideal of pain. We become afraid of opening up to our loved ones because the truth becomes tangible, we do not apologize when it is the easiest option because fighting takes less energy than letting go of your pride to right a wrong. The options to salvage a friendship become harder to fathom so we end up just cutting ties altogether. In our idea of saving ourselves, we often end up hurting the relations we once held so dear. That being said, some relationships deserve quick snips, severances so real and deep that looking twice is almost disgraceful. You are not fair to yourself when you choose to engage in ideals of toxicity. Toxic friends, toxic behaviours. A barrier and a block to your self-growth, a piece of the self-sabotage tree blossoming into branches of negativity, roots that overtake your life. In this pursuit of tangibility, our grasp of our everyday reality is re-shaped and damaged. We rarely stop to fix and examine the misgivings that we are accustomed too. We lose pieces of ourselves in what we choose to shatter and discard. What happens to those pieces when we try to start anew? Our relationships tainted by holding onto what once hurt us, things that prevent us from fully evolving. We hide behind our emotions- we do not text the people we like back in fear that we are being "too much". We do not tell our friends and loved ones how much they mean to us in fear of being "too sappy", "too cliche", "too emotional". These terms become catalysts in preventing us from furthering and connecting to our ever changing emotions. It is as if the arenas of our emotions become overfilled, the doors close as the last call for sentiment is made. We become disenchanted with the way we form relationships- hindered by rituals that become devoid of meaning. "Oh he took two hours to text back, I will take four...", "She is snapchatting me but never hitting me up to hang out, I am going to ghost her..." "She's my friend but sometimes I don't understand her so I do not like talking to her..." Our words become empty as we try to fight fire with fire, disconnect ourselves from people we do not even try to understand. We become stuck like glue to paper in certain relationships, the stickiness of it all becomes hard to remove. The relationships that occur in these social spaces become so strained and so hard to engage in- all hope becomes lost. We always think of the what ifs when it comes to engaging with people. We become numb to ways of connecting that when it becomes too late, the only blame we can place is with ourselves. Just like Kanye said, "If you admire somebody, you should go ahead and tell em/people never get the flowers while they can still smell em"