Hope, Ambiguity, Confusion: a ménage of dreams

HelloHalima

Photo by Alexander Milov

Ambiguity masquerading as hope,

I reached for it, siphoned it into my life-

hoping that it would somehow transform itself into the answers I was searching for,

But Hope left me empty, left me wondering what was next-

Hope did what she always does- like a chameleon, she transformed herself into something new-

something different,

something shiny and alluring,

I reached for it, hoping it would lead me to another path, one that was not disturbed by traffic or decay,

But alas, I was stumped again, trying to rack my brain- wondering what I did to deserve such treatment,

All I wanted was for my love to be received and given back tenfold, but all I was getting in return was 1 percent off my investment,

Scammed, cheated and searching for another way out- I mistook friendship for love,

And Hope disappeared for a while.

I enjoyed Friendships company, she left me feeling full with love- with respect- with a big heart and sometimes a big head,

But those pesky feelings, creeped back up again,

There she was- sitting pretty, Hope.

I sighed, exhausted by this cat and mouse game- a game that I did not have the rule book too

I was saddened by his heart, wondering why I was not apart of his affections,

Wondering why hope did not transform into what I wanted her to be,

I was in love but the only one that could see it was me,

Well- me and Ambiguity,

I saw how he cradled his confusion, feeding into it until it destroyed Hope,

she was no match for what lied ahead-

He chose confusion and chaos over figuring out what he felt for me,

I felt cheated and I missed Hope deeply.

Egos bruised, wondering why I wasn’t enough

But I quickly realized, it wasn’t me

I realized I couldn’t be sad over someone who did not want me,

That’s a loss that will register in his mind eventually,

I offered him love in plentiful heaps,

He chose confusion over me,

I hope they are happy together.

They have to be.

Valentine’s Fool

HelloHalima

It’s easy to say that I miss you- but perhaps that’s a lie,

It’s only when the memories rush through my mind,

Montages of happy beginnings and abrupt endings,

Maybe I miss the memories the most

And you the least,

I definitely do not miss the pain you caused me,

Sometimes if I shut my eyes tight enough, I can almost forget,

But something always seems to stir it back up again,

What is it about dwelling that breaks your heart wholeheartedly,

What is it about the cycle of you and me?

I remember the naïveté would wash over me-

Daydreams of us living blissfully,

But reality came knocking- wanting to shake some sense into me,

You cannot make homes in people who live in confusion,

That’s what I tried to do with you,

You cannot be blissful with people who are hurting inside,

That’s what I tried to do with you,

Their bitterness will swallow you whole,

They will convince you that you’re the broken one,

That there’s something wrong with you,

an optical illusion they have orchestrated in their minds too,

Instead, I will wish you away,

I will wish you the best,

Maybe that will help me love you less.

Happy Valentines Day

Silence

HelloHalima, HMFpoetry

It has been interesting, all the twists and turns,

The miscarriage of all the words involved.

Speaking and yet not saying anything of substance,

So why am I feeling so lost?

Affected by the debris of your broken promises,

Of narratives we tell ourselves to keep from changing orders already put in place.

Expectations dropped as disappointments ensue and yet,

You are speaking but not saying anything monumental,

Speaking yet silent,

Laughter used to hide nerves, nerves cultivated by one sided comprehension.

What’s that about?

Speaking my truth only to have it misconstrued, broken up piece by piece,

Subsequently altered by our reality.

A miscarriage of desolate dreams,

Irreparable and yet continuous all at the same time.

 

Poetic Rebirth

HelloHalima

All my poetry is starting to sound like it is for you.

Beautifully written prose all strung together, encapsulating how I feel.

But how do you feel?

It’s been clear that the mountains you wish to move are not for me,

The songs you sing, not meant for my ears.

But how do you feel, really?

Perhaps it is only in my mind, but I find your feelings to be a greatly skewed facade.

I wondered what it would be like,

To crack open your mind, dig a little deeper and excavate all the feelings you wish to wish away.

As if 11:11 will stop you from feeling this way.

Sometimes I wish I could take a break,

From the reality that you and I have cultivated.

That way, my poetry and my mind will be baptized from your charms and reach.

I will not be writing another poem inspired by you any longer.

Universal Pull

HelloHalima

What you don’t say becomes you.

It feels like it’s vocalized in the thickness of your silence.

The universe is working overtime to correct and rectify the death of your decisions.

The less you say, the more you become a permanent fixture of your anti-self.

The baritone of your regrets are bellowing out like a speakerphone,

Drowning out what could have been great.

Change washing over us like a riptide of you and I.

You, walking miles on end unnecessarily does not become you.

It’s ironic how the more you tug on threads of cemented routines,

The more it unravels, revealing the mess you left, permeating beneath us like hot lava.

We’re slipping and sliding incessantly, wondering when the next shoe will drop.

All due to the built up tension of our kettles steam.

You used to dream about how the universe pulled your dreams together,

weaving in moments that we shared and memories that were blissful blips in your life before

Is that still true?

INTROSPECTION

HelloHalima, Poetry

The after effect shocked me to my very core.

All this bliss but I still felt torn,

All I could think of is the state of you & I,

Do you even love her? Or is it just I?

You try to have your cake and eat it too,

I used to marvel at the things you do.

The manipulations cultivated by comfortability,

When you’re with her, do you think of me?

When you’re near her, do you dream of me?

You pull me in close in fear of losing me,

but how will you recreate me when I am gone?

REFRESH YOUR PLAYLISTS P1

HelloHalima

Hello guys! I am back but the real question is… am I better? It has been quite some time since I have written anything music-related on this blog. The last post would have to be my indepth review on J-Cole and his album “4 Your Eyez Only” and on the song “Neighbours” in particular. Well I am BACK and I have been listening to some fire bangers as of recently. I thought, WHY NOT bless everyone with a list of some of my favourite underrated bops… a list that you probably did not ask for but a list you never knew you needed! Perhaps you’ve been listening to a few of these artists already, perhaps I am way behind in the music game and perhaps you will find a new fav from this list… here’s hoping! Xo

 

artworks-000171543214-cpmx7n-t500x5001. Tobi Lou – Txt Me:  This song just makes me feel free and dance-y and happy and content with my life. The lyrics combined with the infectious beat and the sultry sounds of Tobi Lou are the perfect pieces to make this your new summer anthem. 

anders-669-5927a6fa95d70-500x5002. Anders – December ft LUCA: You know those days where you feel a little sad, heart tangled in the affairs of a love that you seem to always be having problems with or an unrequited love that keeps playing games (ugh, right!) or perhaps- like me, you just feel a little glum due to the ever-changing and tumultuous weather of Toronto? Or maybe all of the above? This song is for you. This song is the fourth track off Ander’s incredible EP, 669. The lyrics as soothing and soulful as they are recount the trials and tribulations of contemplating commitment and love with a special someone- with a catchy hook and a smooth beat, this song will easily be a go-to for situations of the heart.

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Still from “Too Fast” music video by Sonder

3. Sonder- Too Fast: If you have any take-aways from this post- the only thing I ask is for you guys to watch the music video for this song. The visuals for this music video are heartbreakingly beautiful and compliment this song so well. The cinematography, the casting of the actors, the transitions between scenes.. all so breathtaking. Everything about this song + the music video is art to me, from the gorgeous synths to the drums within the center of the song, this song has easily become my go-to when I just want to close my eyes and picture another world.

4. Yo Gotti, Mike WiLL Made-It- Rake It Up ft. Nicki Minaj: Do I even need to mention why I love this song? This is one of my favourite summer songs- all you need is a multi-colored romper and this song playing in the background to truly live your best life.tumblr_nyppz2kgoq1shm4qro1_400

tumblr_os724f0u711twik40o8_5005.SZA- The Weekend: When I first heard this song, I fell in love how realistic and relatable the lyrics are- it accurately sums up the basis of many relationships today with the lyrics of: “My man is my man is your man // Heard it’s her man too // My man is my man is your man // Heard that’s her man // Tuesday and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday // I just keep tumblr_os724f0u711twik40o1_500him satisfied through the weekend”.                  It depicts the very harsh realities of never really knowing where you stand in a relationship, how it is scary to be the first to define what kind of relationship you are in (situationship, friends with benefits or an actual romantic relationship…) The song allows for a clear and literal portrayal of the hookup culture we are immersed in today. While the content of the song is my favourite subject matter to talk about, the beat, the sweetness of SZA’s voice are what make this song one of my absolute favourites off of her latest album “CTRL”. While some may dub this the ultimate side-chick anthem of the summer, it is a great song to wind down with after a long summer day.

tumblr_o7uwhzstee1spe2u7o1_4006. Chance The Rapper- Big B’s: Another banger by Chance. Do I even have to explain? Big B’s has to be one of my favourite songs off this whole playlist. While Young Thug is also on this song, the beat, the lyrics, the vibes that the song/Chance provides will serve as a perfect getting-ready and getting crunk anthem. My favourite lines off this song include: “Put you in the friend zone if you start acting too friendly” and “Wake up real early but I eat late” If you’re reading this Chance, I love you. 

tumblr_orm54dhsgb1uggcp9o1_500 7. Young Thug- You Said ft Quavo: As lewd and wild the lyrics of this song is, there’s something about this song that makes it one of the best songs off of Beautiful Thugger Girls. Quavo’s feature just makes the song an instant classic and Young Thug just really makes you feel like a easy breezy beautiful thugger girl (lmao CRINGE)

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8. Drake- Signs: Is it really a premium playlist without at least one Aubrey bop??? The infectious nature of this song just makes you feel ready to turn up in the comfort of your own living room, whatever BBQ, Day Party or club event you may be at and will guarantee to lift your spirits and get your ass shakin’.

9. Briley Harris-Blessing: This song gives me PND vibes but the song is smooth enough to have playing in the car during a road trip, in the bathroom as you are getting ready or just on your morning/evening commutes home. My sister says the repetition of the song makes her a little bit angry (whatever that means) but I love it!

10. Travis Scott- Butterfly Effect: For this life, I cannot change… the lyrics, the beat, the tone of Scott’s voice just makes this song a ultimate BOP to listen too, I love it.

tumblr_n55ah9nteh1row9yqo1_400BONUS SONG: Spooky Black- Remember You: The Inuyasha interlude just grasps my heart and never lets it go! Just hearing the “Will you always remember me?” just makes me think back to my Inuyasha days. Total nostalgia. You may know this song and if you do not, I suggest a listen as this will quickly become a fast favourite.

 

I hope some of these songs from this playlist make their way to your own playlists. I hope I have blessed some of you guys with a new favourite artist or a new favourite song. Let me know what you think in the comments & please feel free to suggest some of your own favourites down below. Here’s hoping that the rest of the summer is filled with songs that fill our hearts with joy and make our bootys SHAKE!

XO

-Halima

love me, love me not

HelloHalima, Life, Written Pieces

 

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The art of rejection and feelings of unrequited love is similar to someone pouring salt into an open wound, it stings and hurts but eventually you clean it out and get over it. Or so we think. I remember as a child, the ideals of love were so simple, you meet someone, and you fall in love and live happily ever after, the end. At least… that’s what my naïve self believed. Growing up, when I thought about love, I envisioned a feeling, an emotion that is endless and all consuming, an image of two people falling in love and riding off into the sunset only to live happily ever after.  Recently, the idea of unrequited love boggles my mind. Where is the love for the ones who love but are not loved back? The dejection that is linked to someone not reciprocating your deeply rooted feelings, the sadness that is a consequence of wilful ignorance. Unrequited love is the illness to its counterpart, happiness and total contentment. A wise person once said, “Isn’t it ironic…we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us.” This wise person might have been onto something. Although highly cliché, this ironic sentiment is the basis for all of our romantic misgivings. While we might love love, we definitely do not like the idea of unrequited love. When we are not appreciated or loved in the same way, it creates a clash between the hope for our romantic present intertwining with that of our future relationships. The idea of unrequited love is something we have all experienced in some shape or form. Perhaps through a crush on the boy/girl at school, secret feelings for your best friend, a date or two with a guy/girl from Tinder but it does not work out. For whatever reason, fate, or the divine universe or whatever you might believe in is playing referee. Walking the halls of UTSC, I began to wonder whether this problem was a recurring phenomenon amongst my peers. How many times have you been dragged through the mud in the pursuit of love?

They say it is better to have loved than lost but what if you are a victim of both? This is precisely what unrequited love is, the painful instance of loving someone who does not feel the same way. To think about unrequited love and rejection, we must first look at the critical component of who is involved. There’s a naïve- butterflies in your stomach-can’t sleep without thinking about it- stage in a relationship that has you transfixed and convinced that everything is fine and dandy, when that is not always the case. The majority of the time, we fantasize and project our own dreams and expectations onto the other. This in turn allows for disappointment when things do not work out between the other person. I asked a few students at UTSC about this conventional set of notions and I was surprised to find out the different levels of unrequited love/rejection that existed. When asked about experiencing this issue, Idil, a third year arts management student said, “I remember back in high school, I guess I kind of experienced it with one guy…” she added, “it eventually led to something better cause I ended up getting with his friend instead!” after laughing jokingly, she later added: “When I think about love, I think about the relationship between me and my cat, Chester. He’s like a user and abuser, I give him my all and he doesn’t appreciate me as much as I appreciate him, and he chooses every family member but me! But honestly, it’s life! Not everybody is going to love you or like you at some point in your life but you gotta move on and appreciate yourself for who you are and KNOW that there are other people out there that will appreciate you back… maybe I should get a new cat though…”

The social aspect of rejection is one that is the basis of all fundamental romance. It is evident in the Films/TV shows we watch, the books we read and the music we listen too. “When I think of unrequited love, I think of rom-coms! Movies like Never Been Kissed and 500 Days of Summer are the backbone of our society.” says Nikita Singh, a fourth year Health Studies student. Time and time again, the hurt and turmoil that people feel through this unrequited love is one that is a synthesis of the romantic period. Hurt and pain sells, if you don’t believe me, ask Drake! In this commercialized appraisal of unrequited love, how do we even begin to pick up the pieces of our broken selves to ensure moving on? The idea of self-reflection and healing is the most crucial step in order to recover from the sting of rejection and unrequited love. The first thing you need to realize is, it’s their loss! As overused and wildly cliché as that sentiment is, your actions of infatuation are not made in vain if someone does not appreciate and love you for who you are. You are a badass! You are smart; you are loyal (I appreciate you *DJ Khaled Voice*). Aashna Thakkar, a fourth year New Media Studies student had some final wise words to share, “If a guy rejects you, it’s his loss! There’s plenty of other fish in sea, as they say!” So despite initial fears and reservations, continuously putting yourself out there will contribute to your experiences and drive you one step closer to your desired, everlasting romance.